NIGHT OF THE FLATBED

A flatbed truck is a poor man’s tank.

We were fucked up. We’d been twisting and drinking all afternoon when Polo drove up in his new truck. We decided to take a spin in the new company ride, and everything went downhill from there.

I remember looking out of the back window, we were about 30 yards from a parked car, and Polo crammed it into reverse. I knew what was about to happen, but what I didn’t expect, was how loud the impact would be. Anyway, we shaved the top right off and woke up every dog in the neighborhood. I said, “Damn man, I didn’t feel a thingâ€?.

We’re looking for more prey, which was a bad thing for the hunted.

I’m looking at a bigger vehicle through the back window, but the yardage was about the same. Again, I knew what was about to happen. And it did. No shit, we cut that fucker in half.

We did this a least ten more times before we decided to look for the trophy.

We found it. Brand new Jag…

This time, 50 yards away, and I’m driving. I increased the distance in order to give me just a little more time to get familiar with the clutch. You must remember the first time I ever drove this thing was in reverse.

KA-BAMN!!!

I backed into that British piece of shit so hard it jumped. I think it hurt, because that damn car was crying in British. Whining. Grinding and squealing like you’ve never heard, and worse than that, it was stuck on the bed. I was popping the clutch, standing on the brakes, flooring it, and using everything I had to shake it, to no avail.

I’m like “what the fuckâ€?.

So, I’m driving down the road with this 8 billion dollar Jaguar “half on and half offâ€? the back end, sparks flying from the half that was half off, and I see a brick wall that was about 100 yards long.

Yeap, you guessed it. I pulled through the ditch, and got as close to it as I could. I slinked what was left of whatever was hanging off the left side on to the beginning / ending of the wall, and gave it the gas.

Felt like I was driving a cross between an earthquake, and a volcano. Sparks were flying, and the flatbed was jumping. To be honest, it scared the shit out of me.

Anyway, I finally shook that fucker (the Jag that is) off, and we proceeded to have another good laugh.

Don’t let your children grow up like me. Although, it was a learning experience.