I’m buying this Motherfucker. I’ve always wanted my own town. The way I see it, it will take a bunch of people to make sure we succeed.
I’m gonna make the Juju Woman the Mayor. I’ll take Sheriff.
I’ll need people for the following: Applications are confidential.
For cash flow…we’ll need some whores…I need someone to run and manage the whores, unless you want to be a whore…the town will take 30% of your earnings, but you can invest in our future. Free room and board, and a discount at the General Store.
I will also need a Head Pimp (male or female, doesn’t matter)…who knows how to fight, also, a smart woman to be the Deputy Pimp who also knows how to shoot and fight. The Deputy Pimp must be a woman, just because I said so.
General Store Manager…must understand general stuff and firearms and ammunition, and be able to shoot.
Head Farmer…to grow everything we need, and manage illegal aliens.
Head Cowboy…to manage the stock.
Head Seamstress…to keep us all nice and tight.
Head Barber…male or female….to keep everyone looking good.
Head Carpenter…in charge of repairing everything that is shot up, and to make coffins.
Head Judge…who will decide the fate of the charged based on conversations with the Mayor and Sheriff.
Head Church Builder…Every town needs a church.
Head Schoolmaster…to educate everyone’s youngins’, including the whores bastards. Education is important.
Head Doctor…who knows how to fix bullet wounds and cure the plague, and take care of the animals.
Head Dentist…who is also the Head Doctor. I’m on a budget here, but gotta have someone who can deal with teeth.
Head Inventor…someone who can rig some shit.
Head Scout…to ensure we’re never surrounded.
Head Media Person…to ensure that the publications of the Mayor and the Sheriff are circulated to the population.
Head Town Drunk…no explanation necessary.
Head Card Dealer…who can deal off the bottom at the discretion of the Mayor and Sheriff.
I’ll also need a bunch of deputy’s, and seriously dedicated people…and more whores…can’t have too many whores.
I have many people in mind for these positions, but this is open enrollment.
Also, I need a new name for my town…Scenic ain’t getting it. Best name gets to live free for ten years, and all the whores and bullets you need. I’m a fair person.
***UPDATED***
First, the positions filled, and then the conscription’s. No particular order.
The Head Pimp will be my friend Dead Eye Red. She will also instruct Bazooka classes, and her Doxie Jack will be a Town Dog, along with Stretch. Welcome aboard!
The Head Salooner will be Fred G. Welcome aboard!
The Head Baker will be DogsDontPurr. Welcome aboard!
The Head Pie Taster, and also a Deputy is Kudzu. Welcome aboard!
The Head Whore Tester and Diner Runner will be my friend Dax Montana. Just Damn!
The Head Suggestion Maker will be Captain Jerry. Welcome aboard!
The Head Opinionated Lazy Bastard. You’ll also double up as the Head Book and Movie Librarian will be Joe. Welcome aboard!
The Head Shootin’ Shit Down & Blowin’ Shit Up is my friend El Capitan. Welcome aboard.
The Head Relationship Manager and Vermin Control and South African Relations is KeesKennis. He is fucking crazy. Welcome aboard!
Now for some conscription’s: in no order.
The Head Propulsion Engineer will be Elisson. He will also be responsible for Plating. Welcome aboard!
The Head Judge will be my friend Jimbo. I can’t make this shit up. He will also lend a hand to the Head Band Man. Welcome aboard!
The Head Gunsmith and Keeper of the Blades will be Eric The Blade. He will also be responsible for shovels. Welcome aboard!
The Head Pharmacist will be Catfish. Welcome aboard!
The Head Catcher of Falling Rockets will be my friend Leeann. Welcome aboard!
The Head Sailboater will be my friend Joanie. Welcome aboard!
The Head Moonshiner will be me until I find a suitable replacement.
The Head Photographers will be Teresa and Erica. Trust me, we’re gonna need a lot of documentation.
The Head Band Man will be my friend Denny. Welcome aboard!
The Head Storyteller and Writer and Historian will be my friend Velociman. He will also double as who knows what. Welcome aboard!
More updates will follow, I’m sure.
***UPDATED*** *2*
The Head Fly Fishing Philosopher will be John Venlet from Improved Clinch. He will also be the Head Whore Knot Tie Upper. Welcome aboard!
The Head Knife In The Back Puller position goes to Tink. Tink will also be responsible for the immediate execution of the stabber, pending judgement from The Head Judge. Welcome aboard!
Heather has been hired as a High Falutin’ Whore. Welcome aboard! We need more whores, so get your friends to apply.
Jennifer has been hired as a Bar Whore. Welcome aboard! We need more whores, so get your friends to apply.
The Head Whore Driver is One Crazed Chick. Welcome Aboard! She will also be responsible for dead hooker removal.
The Head Sniper has been hired but is invisible. All I can say is his name is Jim from The Sunk New Dawn. Welcome aboard!
Joe the Blog Stalker has been hired on probation. He will report to The Head Sniper. We’ll see…we don’t take kindly to threats, but we’ll give him time to change his ways, or it’s curtains.
Jena has been hired as a high flautin’ hoochie mama. Welcome aboard! She will also be the keeper of whips and shit.
The Deputy Pimp is Hoodyhoo. Welcome Aboard!
Aithne has been hired as a Shallow Grave Digger and Backhoe Driver. Welcome aboard.
The Head Rope Grower will be Jan. Welcome aboard! She will report to the Director of Bribes who reports directly to the Sheriff.
The Head Lawyer (a.k.a. Head of Twisting Words and Facts) and The Head Pie Maker is Oddybobo. Welcome aboard!
The Head Antibiotics Administrator is AmyLynn. She will report directly to Deadeye Red, the Head Pimp.
Liz has been hired as a Nighttime Bar Whore and Daytime Teacher. Welcome aboard! She’ll be doing some educating by day. She has a non-payable tab at the bar. You can drink all you want of anything you want. I aim to be a fair and balanced Sheriff, and I’ve got the Mayor in my pocket.
***UPDATED*** *3*
The Head Yacht Designer and Black Powder Maker is Hunt. Welcome Aboard!
The Head Wave Witch and Kayacker is Hunt’s wife. Welcome aboard! She looks good on a Woodie.
Dannie has accepted the position of First Bodyguard for the Head Pimp. Welcome aboard! I say “first”, because Deadeye Red will probably need more than one.
The Lemur King has been hired as the Techno-Whore and will also double as the Town-Idiot. Welcome aboard!
The Head Knuckledragger is Larry. Welcome aboard! He, among other things, will be responsible for all equipment used to move the whores around, and the Head Team.
Angela has been hired as the Split Stripper. Welcome aboard!
CGHill has been hired as Director of Lousing and Delousing. Welcome aboard!
Kim has accepted the position of Professional Tease and will report directly to the Head Pimp. Her main role will be drum up some business for the good of all.
Jeffro has been hired as Food Inspector. Welcome aboard!
Jason has volunteered to be a town drunk. Welcome aboard!
***UPDATED*** *4*
The Head-Head Clicker and Political and Constitutional Analyst will be my friend Van. Welcome aboard! You have a seat at the table.
The Head Painter, Cartoonist, and Illustrator is my friend John Cox. Welcome aboard! You have a seat at the table.
The Head Gunslinger will be the Gunslinger. Welcome aboard! You have a seat at the table.
More updates to follow.
83 Comments
It’s past my bedtime, but if the positions of town shipwright, yacht designer, inventor or rocket scientist are still open, I’d like to apply. I also like pyrotechnics and know how to make black powder if that would be relevant. Also, my wife is good looking (see web site) and was a kick-ass criminal defense paralegal which you may well need in the near future.
You’re hired. See post for Job Title.
Thanks, Yabu. I’m honored. A thousand yards worth of honored. A one hole, three shot group at a hunnerd yards honored.
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
We’re gonna have a good time and run a tight ship. Welcome aboard! You are the man for the job.
Do they even know what a sailboat is in SD?
They will soon, and we’ll have the ability to move the town…kinda like moving the island in “Lost”. You will also be in charge of Hooker Burial at Sea.
So glad to be Deputy Pimp, I’m keeping my bitch-slappin’ hand in shape! And Yabu, for being so fabulous at aquiring property, you have earned a place on my own Royal Court… you’re the Tennessee Valley Authority.
The Royal Court…Cool.
That’s the easiest job interview I’ve ever had!! Thanks for the hire. I’m giving my two weeks notice today and I’ll be in town shortly!!
I’ll meet you at the bar. Safe trip!
I am humbled by being in the company of greatness. As Head Salooner I salute those of you whose blogs I follow who are as crazy as I am. What a rip! When do we move to our new home? Can’t wait to meet many of you in person. First round of drinks in the Saloon are on me.
I don’t know about greatness, but you’ll definitely be in the company of crazies. I’ve met most of the people face to face, and they are something else.
How about head clicker? I’ll double click the bejeebers out of anything you want clicked on.
I even right click on occasion.
Just sayin’.
You’re hired. See post for job title. You have a seat at the table.
And if you’re serious, I’ll get you a school together that’ll actually teach something. That I could do. And maybe even reintroduce the concept of the Principal’s paddle (though my voice, and something in my eyes (my kids friends tell me) that generally stops things from reaching that point. Still. Best to be prepared.)
I am deeply honored. Please note that the court will adjourn each day in time for Happy Hour.
Hell, you’re the Head Judge and you can pick the hours and days the court will be in session, although you might have to hand down decisions in the bar at odd hours. Welcome aboard! You have a seat at the table.
Just looking at all the new official residents… should we change the town’s name to Galt’s Gulch?
That’s in the pot for sure. I think I’m going to get everyone who has a seat at the table to vote on all names submitted. As a matter of fact, I’m reading Atlas Shrugged again…downloaded it to my Nook. Who is Yabu?
bbwwahahaaa! That is so awesome! I love everyones job descriptions!
I’m trying to be as accurate as possible, but I believe shit will change on an hourly basis.
I can make all the jewelry and accessories for everyone and makeup artist!
Can you make the whores look pretty?
“Who is Yabu”.
That needs to be on a few hundred thousand bumper stickers, stat!
Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX
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[...] friend Yabu is buying a town. I have applied for, and been appointed to, the position of Head Pimp. Yabu wanted a town full of [...]