Root Canal

Or should I say “Fucking Root Canal” or “Root Fucking Canal”?

I go to the dentist four times a year because I can. I’ve known some people who’ve had some major problems with their teeth. Hell, you can’t grow another one. Nowadays, you can have a Titanium implant implanted, number one, if there is enough jaw bone left, and number two, if you’ve got the cash. They are expensive. Fortunately, I just needed a plain old-fashioned root canal. Did you know that all teeth have a different number of roots? They do, and the number varies by tooth by person. I did not know that.

You see, my dentist is one of my best friends. He picks up two visits, and the insurance company gets the other two. Must be our political discussions and fish stories. Anyway, I wake up in the middle of the night and one of my perfectly healthy (never had a cavity in it) molars went all ballistic on me. Hurt like a motherfucker, maybe the worst pain I’ve every experienced.I kid you not, a woman told me it was as close to childbirth as possible, but what do I know. I do know my jaw was so swollen my eye was shut and I could barely walk. Spitting out some nasty stuff too.

Either way, it was not pleasant. It was humiliating, and I’ll tell you why. First of all, I can’t believe I needed one, and secondly; does needing a root canal deem me as some sort of “inferior being”? Demeaning, it is.

I’m injected with the “high-test cane”, and I can’t feel shit…nothing at all. I mean nothing. So, this sadist specializing in Endodontics is having his way with me, way down deep in my jaw. He’d been grinding, pulling, drilling, and inserting all kinds of horrible looking instruments (torture devices) in my gotdam mouth for about an hour. The vibrations were tickling my fucking inner ear…on both sides. That is not a good feeling.

Anyway, all of a sudden he and his dark nurse left the room. I’m laying prone in the torture chair, with my mouth jacked open like a gotdam bear at a Taxidermist, and I can hear an impromptu office meeting taking place in the next room. So and so can’t work that day…blah blah blah…give me a fucking break. The dark nurse returns, (30 fucking minutes later) and informs me, “You are a saliva factory, you’ve drooled all over yourself.” What? No fucking shit, I can’t feel a gotdamned thing, and you left me!!! You Mofo’s. I was soaked from neck to waist front and back, in my own saliva.

Absolutely disgusting, but it was out of my control.

I’ve had better days.

They fact is: after they remove all the equipment out of your mouth and jaws, you’re just a little sore for a few days, but that’s it. It can’t hurt, because the tooth is basically dead. Actually I should say still alive, because if you don’t get the infected nerves and infection out, the tooth will die, and then you’re really fucked. No nerves. It can’t hurt.

Root canals are overrated for bad, they’re actually a good thing. An untended tooth with infected roots can kill you. Did you know that infected teeth use to be a major cause of suicide?

The bottom line: if you ever think you need a root canal, (at the first twinge of pain) get it checked out as soon as possible. Do not take a bunch of pain killers and try to ride it out. That is a no win situation.