February 06, 2008
Tequila
Listen to the disclaimer at the end of this commercial
I can personally vouch for the fact that doing shots of tequila can make you crazy. You might get lucky...you might not.
Posted by Yabu at 02:14 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
December 07, 2007
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, and then said,
Read More »
Posted by Yabu at 11:24 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
April 15, 2007
Confusion
Yabu loves to create confusion. One Tuesday he sent an e-mail memo to his secretary that said, "I'll be back in the office three days before one week after the day after tomorrow."
When would he be back?
Posted by Yabu at 10:01 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
March 04, 2007
The Juju Lady Checks In
Bwahahahahahahah!!!!
Only 24 %, and proud of it.
| You Are 24% Texas |
 |
Posted by Yabu at 06:01 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
I Need Some New Boots
Bwahahahahahah!!!
I hope all you motherfuckers from Texas take no offense, but I'm a true Southern Man. Just ask my People. They arrived in North America around the early 1600's. I can prove it...also, the Juju Lady is a Daughter of the Mayflower.
I loves me some lineage.
| You Are 28% Texas |
|
|
Posted by Yabu at 10:45 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
February 15, 2007
Hing / Ming
There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.
Hing, who has had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, "As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.
Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
Posted by Yabu at 10:48 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
January 06, 2007
Death by Catapult
For the benefit of the rest of the world, in 1986 the UK saw its most violent storm for over 350 years. Wind speeds in some parts exceeded 90 mph and incredible amounts of damage were done to property and people up and down the UK.
This story made several of the Kent newspapers at the time and - like most sane, rational beings I too found it difficult to believe - but it is absolutely true.
In Margate in the county of Kent, there are many tall Poplar trees and it's not uncommon for residents in the more rural areas to be surrounded by woods and spinnys. During the 1986 storm, an estimated 1 billion trees were lost - uprooted - by the gales. One hapless resident of Margate owned a house that bordered a small wood on the edge of which was 3 massive Poplars. The wind had felled 1 - which had come to rest across his back garden - while the other 2 had managed to resist the winds but had bent over just far enough to lodge their tops under the soffat of this guy's roof.
The foliage of the bent trees was obscuring almost 100% of the light, which would have entered his upstairs bedroom windows. Now, this chap did not own a chainsaw nor could he reach the trunks of the trees, which were several yards beyond his reach - even when leaning out of the window.
Undeterred by these frustrations and apparently unfettered by common-sense, he decided to find the base of the first tree, shin up the trunk from its location on the edge of the wood and (you can see it coming can't you?!!!) saw the top off while sitting astride the trunk with his feet wedged against his roof gutter.
After almost 20 minutes of sawing, the tree - which experts estimate held the energy equivalent to small field gun - broke away from the part he was sawing off and sprang back upright.
His body was found in a neighbor’s garden over 1 mile away and had suffered massive trauma. The police surgeon stated that his neck probably broke during the whiplash and he would therefore have known nothing of the impact with the ground.
Via: The Darwin Awards
Bwahahahahahahah!!!
...'held the energy equivalent to small field gun'...
What a dumbass.
Posted by Yabu at 11:26 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
December 04, 2006
One Day...
...there was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
Read More »
Posted by Yabu at 12:05 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
November 17, 2006
Twist For The Bad
This repost is for Redneck. I figured he needs a little humor right about now, causing he has got some Bad Bad Juju going on
Posted by Yabu at 10:36 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
September 29, 2006
Ho Down
Turn spearkers on and click here for some stupid shit.
Posted by Yabu at 10:06 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
September 06, 2006
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Posted by Yabu at 01:37 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
July 25, 2006
Washing Machine
Rather than leaving that old washing machine in the yard, here's the proper way to dispose of it.
Posted by Yabu at 08:08 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 21, 2006
Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting
He was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French in that way."
Posted by Yabu at 11:08 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
July 13, 2006
Doing A Little Hollywood
Didn't look like this when I was there. Of course, I was doing some shit you can't get nowadays!!!
Posted by Yabu at 10:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 11, 2006
This Is So Stupid...
Not many people know that Thomas Edison was a avid fisherman. He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.
During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay. On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.
As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians privvy.
He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
Posted by Yabu at 07:53 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 05, 2006
May 5th Explanation
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they
still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Posted by Yabu at 09:00 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
April 23, 2006
West Texas Cowboy
A West Texas cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a Young Man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out The window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, Where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, He receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP laserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have Exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right, so I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.He then watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party, says the Cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
Read More »
Posted by Yabu at 08:27 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
April 12, 2006
Fishing
A really bad day of Fishing is always better than a good day at work... Who says ?
This is for Redneck and Marcus:
Read More »
Posted by Yabu at 11:40 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
March 24, 2006
Ain't It The Truth
Bwahahahahahahah!!!!
Read More »
Posted by Yabu at 01:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
February 26, 2006
Dancing Naked
|
Yabu -- [noun]: A dance involving little to no clothing 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com |
Ripped from Chou Baby
Posted by Yabu at 10:55 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
December 14, 2005
Five Weird Things
I've been tagged by Redneck.
Five Weird Things About Me
1. I love to drink Gatorade, at room temperature, in the middle of the night.
2. From the second I see Santa Claus during the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and until Epiphany, I'm on a first name basis with all the elves that inhabit my house. I talk to 'em, and they talk back. Come visit me and I'll prove it to you.
3. I hate playing golf with someone whose best wood is his or her pencil. That'll fuck up a good time fast. Most people don't mind...I do. I'm not talking about money.
4. I love bad weather.
5. I'm right handed, unless I'm lighting a pipe.
BWAHAHAHAH !!!.
I tag everyone who reads this.
Posted by Yabu at 09:34 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 02, 2005
DOING THE "?" WALK
I sat down this morning to take care of business, and when I was through I realized the toilet paper was in a closet eight feet away.
Don’t tell me this has never happened to you.
What do you call the “walk� you do when this happens?
I should make some bumper stickers that read:
I’ve done the “fill in here� walk.
Bwahahahah!!!
Posted by Yabu at 12:51 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
July 31, 2005
THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT...
...and I know many people who'll back me up on it.
Fuck it, I was bored.
Posted by Yabu at 11:56 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
June 10, 2005
COOL, CALM, AND COLLECTED
Turn on your speakers.
He has no idea how that happened.
Posted by Yabu at 11:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
MEN IN COATS
I'm not sure what type of Juju this is, but it's Juju nonetheless.
Posted by Yabu at 11:33 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
June 04, 2005
GIN AND JUICE
I Got Bitches In The Living Room
(gotta have a little broadband)
...with my mind on my money, and my money on my mind.
Bwahahaha!!! I'm Fucked Up Now....
Posted by Yabu at 11:23 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 30, 2005
Hippy Trim
Ripped from Humanracewatch.com.
Posted by Yabu at 04:14 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
WELL AT LEAST IT AIN'T PINK
These quizzes are stupid, cheesy ass, and a waste of time.
Why do you think I do 'em?
Who gives a shit what fucking color light saber I have?
I do, that’s who. Stuff like this is important to me.
I’m deep!
You were destined to have a Red Lightsaber.
Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is
associated with energy, war, danger, strength,
power, and determination as well as passion and
desire. You have seen the Strength and Power of
the Dark Side of the Force and have you thirst
for more of it.
What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla
Posted by Yabu at 03:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 29, 2005
KHAN'S MEN
In the days of old, when Ghengis Khan's men were running over Asia, they set their sights on further shores. Rather than 'Huns', these warriors were known as Khan's men, or simply, Khans. When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge, they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea. By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn't much left of them. Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried.
Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue, and the locals never did get their hands on the treasure.
And that's how the story of the little people got started in Ireland - the leper Khan's and their pots of gold.
Cunning though diseased, the Khans were never fooled by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty pot - thus the saying: "You cannot change a leper's pots".
Posted by Yabu at 12:20 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
April 22, 2005
SNAG THAT MOTHERFUCKER
Head on over to The Boiling Point and watch the video...follow the links...just for the dialog, if nothing else.
I laughed so hard I cried.
Trust me.
Posted by Yabu at 10:53 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
April 07, 2005
I'M GLAD WE GOT THIS STRAIGHT
What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
Posted by Yabu at 09:34 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
February 28, 2005
Chris Dick
Test Post V.
Did anyone see this asshole last night? What a dick.
...The show kicked off with a standing ovation... "Chris Rock struggled to be provocative," opined the New York Times. But the Associated Press said "Rock scored big" and gave the usually stodgy affair "a needed pick-me-up, presiding over the broadcast with saucy finesse."...
Do you believe they gave him a standing ovation?
Disgraceful, I say
Posted by Yabu at 08:44 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
BREWSTER THE ROOSTER
Test Post III
Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny
bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill
out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!
Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair...
and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
Read More »
Posted by Yabu at 07:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
12/31/IN THE PAST
Test Post II
We’d been casing the joint, and knew exactly what we wanted. A bottle of a thousand, three grain tooies. Bad Bad JuJu.
Back then; they left the good stuff on the front counter, like nobody knew what it was.
Wrong.
Since I was the architect of this madness, and the master planner, I decided a diversion would work best. It was a two-man operation. I’d go in the front door closest to the booty, and my boy Floyd would enter through the back door, the one where the car was parked, facing out, and accidentally knock over a shelf of greeting cards and candy.
Problem was, I knew the Pharmacist’s daughter, and she was working that afternoon. I had to improvise, so I told her I’d give her a call later. We were ho-taming motherfuckers back in those days, so it really wasn’t a big deal. It was definitely not a showstopper; she was ready. Looking back, I think she realized what was about to happen. She wanted it to happen. She really did.
Anyway, after I eased through the front door wearing the biggest coat I had, and acknowledged the daughter, I headed toward the drugs. I see my friend Lloyd, or did I say Floyd? , no matter, he came through the rear exit screaming like a banshee. He was taking this shit seriously, and proceeded to knock over, not one, but both aisles. Old Christmas cards and candy were flying everywhere; it was hilarious. My man didn’t let me down. The clerks were screaming, the customers were looking toward the back, and racing toward the front; the Doctor was running toward the commotion in the rear, and I was free to lift the target bottle in question; which I did. I walked right past the owner / pharmacist, and out the back door. He paid absolutely no attention to me whatsoever. He had no clue what had just happened.
We made a clean getaway, and after a couple of high-fives, we both ate a handful.
Talk about Bad Bad JuJu.
Before we were too gone, we’d made it over to a friend’s house where I was handing out freebies to anyone interested. The way I figured it; I’d still have plenty left to buy a new stereo. Anyway, to say the least, I handed out a shitload of pills. A couple of hundred, I suspect.
This is what happened:
My accomplice and me were driving down the road, in a drug-induced stupor; I took a left, right into the car next to me. Right in front of the Police station. Right in front of the Police station. Man, we were fucked up. While the guy I just slammed was comforting his girl, I told Jim to get rid of the bottle (of pills). I’m swaying around on the dividing line, while my friend, quarterback Steve, puts a perfect spiral on that jar of junk and puts it midway into the creek off to the left. Hell, it could’ve been the right. Yeap, it was the right.
Well, the cops were there in seconds and unbelievably, they let us go. I mean they let me go. This was ridiculous, because I could barely stand, and neither could the passer.
My car had some port side damage, but it seemed to be running fine. We left, and decided to go somewhere to steal some beer, and maybe a bottle of whiskey. First, though, we had to look for the pills.
I pulled onto an overpass about a mile downstream, and we started smoking dope and concentrating on the creek. I failed to mention earlier, that it was a beautiful, clear night. The moon was full. Here comes the jar, right down the middle of the stream (it was wider than a creek). Unfuckingbelievable. We both jumped in to fetch it, and I can only speak for myself, but the water was so cold that my fucking nuts damn near jumped out of my eyes, but we recovered the stuff. After a couple of more high-fives, we were on our way again. I don’t remember if we ate any more or not.
Back in the car, I crashed into a ditch, not a mile from our next destination, and we had the audacity to ring the doorbell to ask if we could use the phone. The next thing I know, we’re sitting in some strangers’ living room, watching football. No shit, we even had his wife change the channel. I was seeing triple.
My brother, and a bunch of his friends show up, and you know what? They are invited in to watch football too. Weird. Later, I get my car lifted out of the ditch by all these people; we steal the beer and whiskey, and head out to finish the night. I must be honest, we were thinking about some trim.
We arrive at my friend Joan’s house, and my good friend Ed, has crashed his car into a tree. Totaled, but he’s so fucked up, he’s not hurt. Amazing how he hit a tree head on thirty yards from the end of the driveway. Must be those damn Tuinols. They do have a tendency to mess with your depth perception.
We head up to the house on the hill, and reports are coming in. Brian, another friend, who was fucking my old girlfriend, had a bad crash, and he needed plastic surgery, and so did she. Seatbelts? No. That happens when you meet a windshield. Sherrie’s father, who probably wanted to buy some, was really pissed. Missed his connection. Another Jim is in jail; his car wrapped around a tree by the lake. Robert called for someone to collect him. Smart guy. Bubba’s car is stuck in the mud. As far as I’m concerned, Bubba had been stuck in the mud all his life. Kathy, and the doublemint twins, were in detention (jail); waiting for someone to bail ‘em out. Big trouble they said. Jay was missing in action. Lori wrecked her car before she could get out of the driveway, which was probably good. Mary, her friend said, was tapped out. Good for her. Joan’s sister, Diane, smacked the shit out of me, bad, but I’m sure I had it coming. Joan’s twin brother was puking green shit
And best of all, I got away with it. No finger pointing at all…at least in my direction.
All in all, it was a hell of a night.
Posted by Yabu at 06:02 PM
